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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29110353">even if it’s not me...</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrolyphic/pseuds/astrolyphic'>astrolyphic</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Tiny Meat Gang (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Letters, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad, Unrequited Crush</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:49:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,836</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29110353</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrolyphic/pseuds/astrolyphic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Cody realizes that writing a best man speech is harder than he thought.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aleena/Noel Miller, Cody Ko &amp; Noel Miller, Cody Ko/Kelsey Kreppel, Cody Ko/Noel Miller</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>even if it’s not me...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cody and Noel grew distant ever since early September. It was no one’s fault really. It’s not like Cody expected to feel his heart break in half when Noel told him he was planning to propose to Aleena, or when he asked him which ring he should buy for her, or where the proposal should take place. He didn’t want to distance himself from Noel either. Especially not after Noel had asked him to be the best man at his wedding. It was an honor, and Cody felt his heart become warm with the thought that Noel thought so highly of him to choose him to be the one standing behind him at his wedding. But that warm feeling in his chest quickly dissipated as he realized standing behind his best friend was not the same as being the one to stand right in front of him.</p>
<p>It’s not that Cody didn’t love Kelsey either. He did. Very much so. He loved how her blue eyes contrasted with the darkness of her hair and the paleness of her skin. He loved her slightly crooked smile, beaming at him whenever he told her a stupid joke or did something to make her laugh.</p>
<p>But nothing compared to seeing Noel’s smile, a contrast from his brooding appearance. The few cackles Cody was able to get out of him always made his heart flutter. It’s not that he couldn’t make Noel laugh, because he could and did frequently. But Cody knew that he was the one the majority of the time who was floored by whatever impression Noel did or dark joke he made. You could see it over the years as the crinkles near his eyes became more prominent, each cutting deeper into his fair skin with each effortless joke Noel was able to muster.</p>
<p>So in writing his wedding toast to his best friend, Cody was lost. His mind scrambled each waking night, but to no avail. He couldn’t find it in himself to write something about his adoration for his best friend’s marriage, and he felt like shit because of it. After all, Noel had helped Cody tremendously throughout the years, and he couldn’t write one simple speech to help him.</p>
<p>
  <em>Cody remembers his first panic attack. How he felt like the walls were closing in on him as the sweat trickled down his forehead. His body was locked and he couldn’t move, and he was sure he was dying. He couldn’t think. The thoughts raced throughout his mind, jumping from one wall to the next. But one thought he always brought himself back to.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Noel. Noel. Noel.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>So he called him. Frantic.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Hey, man. What’s up? Pretty late to be calling at this hour.” An innocent question posed by his best friend. It was unlike Cody to be up so late. He usually went to bed before 11pm, and here he was, calling Noel at 3am, the night-owl environment Noel had grown accustomed to.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Noel... I- I think I’m dying. I- I can’t fucking feel anything. And my mind is just racing and I can’t fucking control it. Make it stop, Noel. Please...” Cody wept, unbeknownst to himself. He didn’t even register the tears falling from his face until he noticed them streaking down his phone.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Cody?! Dude are you okay? You’re not making any sense.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I think I’m having a- a panic attack? I can’t breathe, and I don’t know what’s happening. Noel, am I dying? Please tell me I’m not dying.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Shit.. Cody, listen to me, okay? You’re gonna be fine. You’re not dying. I’m right with you on the phone, okay? Is Kelsey home?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“No... she’s... she went to her parents’ yesterday. Some family emergency. I’m by myself... and... fuck. I’m so fucking scared, Noel.” Cody whimpered.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Okay, Cody, I need you to do some grounding. I’m getting in my car as we speak, and I’ll be at your place in a few minutes. Can you tell me what you see?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Uh... I see the floor? Yeah, the floor. And um the walls? Fuck Noel, I don’t know even know what I’m seeing right now.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“It’s okay. It’s okay. Can you focus on my voice maybe? Just try and clear your head as I’m talking to you man.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And that’s what he did. He focused on the sound of his friend’s voice. It always had a calming effect on Cody. Noel’s voice had the least bit of rasp to it, always very low and soothing. Cody listened to the whizzing of the cars nearby and the sound of the air as Noel accelerated his speed. He kept trying to steady his breaths. Noel was going to be there soon. He was going to be okay.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Noel opened the front door to find Cody slouched against the wall, knees clutched to his chest as he wrapped his arms around them. His eyes were shut, and he was muttering incoherent things to himself.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Cody? I’m right here next to you dude.” Noel said as he slid down the wall next to the brunette. He started to stroke his hand up and down Cody’s left bicep, listening to his breaths become slower as he relaxed under his touch.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Cody finally opened his eyes at the man before him. He noticed his dark circles, contrasting with his emerald green eyes, staring down at him with sorrow. He watched as his friend dropped his arm slowly from his bicep down to his calloused hand, intertwining their fingers as they sat in complete silence. Cody felt like he could finally breathe again. He squeezed the dark-haired man’s hand, to which he received a squeeze in return, and they looked at each other with the softest smiles, not daring to disrupt the silence hanging so peacefully in the air between them.</em>
</p>
<p>Cody snapped out of his memory as he heard Kelsey call his name. She was pestering him again about if he had written his best man speech yet.</p>
<p>“No, Kelsey, I haven’t yet. I’ll start working on it now, I promise.” He said solemnly as he looked at the blank sheet of paper in front of him. He shakily brought his pen to the paper, stained white. The color of purity. Cody didn’t want the blank ink from his pen to mark the paper. He didn’t want lies of happiness for his friend to stain the page, but before he knew it, the first splotch had already spread like wildfire. After starting to write, it didn’t take long to finish. Fully enraptured at the words forming in his head while mindlessly writing, Cody didn’t even bother to reflect on what he had written on the page which stated:</p>
<p>
  <em>Noel. Where do I even begin? God, I remember walking into Fullscreen for the first day of my job. I had just gone from being the douchey frat boy on Vine to, what I thought would be, a shitty tech developer. I remember walking in, looking around to see where my desk would be. I glanced as I saw that every seat had been filled. Every seat except the one next to you. And I just remember looking at you, and you looking at me, and I smiled. I don’t know why, but I could just tell that maybe that job wouldn’t be so bad after all. Just by you fucking looking at me as I walked over and shook your hand.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>In the first few weeks at Fullscreen you had always kept to yourself. You were very focused on your work and didn’t bat an eye in anyone’s direction. I admired that about you, and I still do to this day. Your ability to hone in and focus so hard on your work. That’s why you’ve always been more talented than I could ever be, and I hate how that’s the thing about yourself you doubt so much.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I remember the first time I made you laugh, or rather the first time you laughed at me. I walked in with these tan Chelsea boots. And I sat down in my chair next to you, and you just started chuckling. You continued to make fun of my boots for the next hour, telling me how much I depicted the typical wannabe indie guy from Venice, which — in all fairness — I was trying to be, but that’s besides the point. That was also the first time I saw your smile, and I knew I didn’t want it to be the last either. So even after the relentless bullying of the shoes I wore, I wore them again and again, just in hopes of seeing you crack even the tiniest smile.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Then, I remember quitting my job to pursue YouTube full time, and not soon after were you in my videos as I had already been in your sketches, and then you got laid off. My fans had loved you on my podcast, even more than myself, so I pitched that we’d make a podcast together to see how it’d go. Ever since, I’ve had the most enjoyable days of my life. Touring with you, seeing what knacks your brain, what you laugh at, the food you like, what helps calm you down... makes me miss what we used to have. Cause you know and I know that we’re not the same as we used to be. We’re not as close anymore. I can’t make you laugh like I used to. And I wish I knew if there was something I did. Something I did to turn you away. Maybe you just realized what a piece of shit I am finally, and I wouldn’t blame you either.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But even as I’m struggling now, you have managed to sustain a beaconing light in your life every day, who is Aleena. And I’m so happy for you, I truly am. You look at her with so much love every time she walks into a room, your smile immediately shows on your face whenever you talk about her. She makes you laugh, she makes you happy, she comforts you, she’s been there for you through everything. That’s the kind of love every person aspires to have. And I’m so glad you have someone whom you’ll spend the rest of your life with...</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong> <em>even if it’s not me...</em> </strong>
</p>
<p>Cody looked down at the piece paper as he dropped his pen to his side. An unknowing tear that had fallen from his face streaked the page, and more and more decided to fall soon after. His tears of truth wiping away the words of a liar. Cody took the paper in his hands and crumpled it into a ball as his knuckles turned white. And he cried. And he cried. Wanting to forget so desperately how hurt he was.</p>
<p>For he couldn’t deny it any longer, he loved Noel Miller. He always had, and now, he had to stand behind him at his wedding, knowing he would be losing his beacon of light to someone else, forever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone! This is my first time writing a fanfiction. Please leave in the comments any feedback or suggestions you have for me in the future. It would greatly be appreciated. Thanks &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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